Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
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#have a #great #PancakeDay
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
S O O N
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?