Apparently “Which one?” wasn’t the best answer when my gf’s dad asked me “What are your intentions with my daughter?”

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Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…


Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit


Why is everyone so obsessed with the idea of love? If you’re dying to be hurt so badly, I’ve got a baseball bat for that.


When the dryer buzzer scares you so bad you have to do another load of laundry.


The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.


Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat


Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web


Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.


kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum

mom: who?

kid: grandma. she’s coming back

mom: honey grandma died years ago

[urn falls off mantle]

mom: get the—

kid: —vacuum?