@Sean_Burgundy_

Apparently “Which one?” wasn’t the best answer when my gf’s dad asked me “What are your intentions with my daughter?”

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@TheBoydP

Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…

@dumbbeezie

Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit

@AintNoFamily

Why is everyone so obsessed with the idea of love? If you’re dying to be hurt so badly, I’ve got a baseball bat for that.

@jwalkonthemoon

When the dryer buzzer scares you so bad you have to do another load of laundry.

@omgthatspunny

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

@PJTLynch

Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat

@HardDriveMag

Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web

@BoogTweets

Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.

@TweetsByKaylee

kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum

mom: who?

kid: grandma. she’s coming back

mom: honey grandma died years ago

[urn falls off mantle]

mom: get the—

kid: —vacuum?