I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
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ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Interior design 👌
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?