Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
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I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore