@DurtMcHurtt

Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.

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@iGreenMonk

My dog just fell off the bed.

I’m glad I’m not the only one drunk around here.

@heyjaywolff

“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED

@Sickayduh

“Hey Fred”
Yeah Barney?
“The Bee Gees have no hot chicks in the band”
Yeah but ABBA do!

@3sunzzz

The elephant is my spirit animal.

1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms

@mydmac

When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.

@Donna_McCoy

When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.

@mommajessiec

Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.

Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.

@Brampersandon_

[date]
ME: ill have the fish & chips
MERMAID: are u serious?
ME: what
MERMAID: *tries to storm off but ends up just flopping around a bit*

@LostFelicia

I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.

@copymama

Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?