Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.

You Might Also Like


My dog just fell off the bed.

I’m glad I’m not the only one drunk around here.


“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED


“Hey Fred”
Yeah Barney?
“The Bee Gees have no hot chicks in the band”
Yeah but ABBA do!


The elephant is my spirit animal.

1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms


When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.


When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.


Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.

Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.


ME: ill have the fish & chips
MERMAID: are u serious?
ME: what
MERMAID: *tries to storm off but ends up just flopping around a bit*


I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.


Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?