@MsBross

Apparently, you can only say “look at you! You got so big!” to children. Adults tend to get offended.

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@junejuly12

male coworker: how’s it hanging?

me: loose and to the left

him:

me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?

him: not a chance

@ruinedpicnic

[catches spider in a glass]
spider: omg are you going to drink me?
me: oh no this is just to take you outside
spider:
me:
spider: drink me

@RdrJay47

When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.

@flashember

[trying to eat a pretzel]

the knot wizard hath defeated me again

@Naked_Superman

It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.

@huntigula

fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably

@TheBoydP

Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.

~Me flirting

@Donna_McCoy

There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.

@EdgarAllanLo

I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.