Apparently, you can only say “look at you! You got so big!” to children. Adults tend to get offended.

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male coworker: how’s it hanging?

me: loose and to the left


me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?

him: not a chance


[catches spider in a glass]
spider: omg are you going to drink me?
me: oh no this is just to take you outside
spider: drink me


When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.


[trying to eat a pretzel]

the knot wizard hath defeated me again


It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.


fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably


Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.

~Me flirting


There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.


I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.