I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
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Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.