[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
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watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.