@NiallOfficial

Apparently you can’t have a normal conversation with someone these days if you haven’t seen ‘game of thrones’ or ‘stranger things’

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@OrignalceQueen

When I was your age, I was outside all day until dark

15: The batteries on cell phones must have been a lot better back then

Me: ………

@RunOldMan

My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.

@ItsAndyRyan

What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?

@primawesome

My neighbor told me she doesn’t care what people think about her. So I told her I think about her naked. Turns out she’s a hypocrite.

@Tommytoughstuff

[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”

@rickolantern

My neighbor told me he childproofed his house. And the very next day his wife came home with a newborn.

Worst. Childproofer. Ever.

@prufrockluvsong

learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar

@thesulk

My stomach just made the sound of a 68-year-old Long Island woman seeing her granddaughter for the first time.

@AnnietheNanny1

If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.

@pattonoswalt

“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.

#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield