Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
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Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can