Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
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I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
i wish i could marry a nap
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!