Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.

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If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?


Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.

Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.

Daughter: I don’t know what that means.


USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely


Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.


A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.


Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled


Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.


I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.


Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa