Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
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I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.