Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
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[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys