Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?

Sigh, women are so demanding..

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DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*


my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted


I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.


I don’t understand Dentists. I’m sitting here with like.. knitting needles in my mouth and they think I can answer stupid questions.


To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.


I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.


I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.


Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*


I feel so bad for people who don’t like sports. They never experience the thrill of maybe being happy once every 10-20 years