Apparently, you still fail a roadside sobriety test if you just lay down and take a nap.

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me: do you have a blowup mattress?

host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.

me: hahaha

host: hahaha

me: (nervous sweating)


I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage


The first rule of father club is “don’t tell your mother”


Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.


Spanking, choking, and hair-pulling are old hat. If he’s not down to run me over with a bus, I’m not interested.


I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English


“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.


The power going out for 15 minutes is enough to crush any fantasy I have about surviving a zombie apocalypse.


[watching Olympic Figure Skating]


T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was

Me: oh


The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.