@Crunk_Jews

Apparently, you still fail a roadside sobriety test if you just lay down and take a nap.

You Might Also Like

@Shock_Monster

It’s actually pretty impressive how many poor decisions I can fit in a day.

@Shenaniglenns

CAPTCHA: to prove you’re not a robot please select all images with SCOOTERS

Me: Ok I-

CAPTCHA: that is a moped. you fool. you absolute imbecile.

@tastefactory

Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*

@Smethanie

I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.

@Dawn_M_

I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.

@harriweinreb

my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office

@Extranaut

Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.

@TheRolo

[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?

*Refrigerator hums loudly*

@ibid78

“So why do you wanna work at Petsmart?”
*imagines running out of the store with all the dogs in my arms*
“I’m a people person.”

@AbrasiveGhost

ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button

ADVISOR: why

ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it