Apparently, you still fail a roadside sobriety test if you just lay down and take a nap.

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It’s actually pretty impressive how many poor decisions I can fit in a day.


CAPTCHA: to prove you’re not a robot please select all images with SCOOTERS

Me: Ok I-

CAPTCHA: that is a moped. you fool. you absolute imbecile.


Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*


I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.


I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.


my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office


Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.


[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?

*Refrigerator hums loudly*


“So why do you wanna work at Petsmart?”
*imagines running out of the store with all the dogs in my arms*
“I’m a people person.”


ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button


ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it