@Crunk_Jews

Apparently, you still fail a roadside sobriety test if you just lay down and take a nap.

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@prufrockluvsong

employee: should I restock the vegetables

manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training

employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce

@officialjaden

If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It

@heymermaid

Stop saying I’m my own worst enemy. My worst enemy is Johan, from the stables; I want him dismissed, but he’s curried such favor with father

@GrantTanaka

if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too

@simoncholland

You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?

-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.

@sarcasticmommy4

I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.

@TheMichaelRock

Of course every kiss begins with k. That’s how the English language works, stupid.

@vanluvz1

Bring in 2015 the same way you came into this world. Naked and screaming.

@kyle_thatisall

Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.

Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.