Apparently, you still fail a roadside sobriety test if you just lay down and take a nap.

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“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”


Amazon problems:

1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size


I woke up because of birds chirping.nI wish I had wings too.nI would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one. n6 am is too early.


Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone


DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point


Daughter comes home with shirt inside out.
Me: Why is your shirt on wrong?
Daughter: I think you old people call it: “second base”


my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son


When the Olympics adds a Parent Shaking Head In Disbelief At His Child competition, I will do our country proud.