Apparently, you still fail a roadside sobriety test if you just lay down and take a nap.

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employee: should I restock the vegetables

manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training

employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce


If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It


Stop saying I’m my own worst enemy. My worst enemy is Johan, from the stables; I want him dismissed, but he’s curried such favor with father


if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too


You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?

-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.


I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.


Of course every kiss begins with k. That’s how the English language works, stupid.


Bring in 2015 the same way you came into this world. Naked and screaming.


Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.

Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.