me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: (nervous sweating)
Apparently, you still fail a roadside sobriety test if you just lay down and take a nap.
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Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
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[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.