Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
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I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Aaaa…CHOO!
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Not today, today.
Not today.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.