Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”

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Me: I’ll take another drink.
Bartender: Would you like for me to call you a cab sir?
Me: No it’s cool he’s driving * points at chair*


Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.


Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7

They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles

The Ninja Turtles corner him

Mario jumps on them all


Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..

Worse: It was in her handwriting…


Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.


FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!

ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*


Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex


i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert


reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it