Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”

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Listen, TV “debate” moderators, if I wanted to watch people talk past each other, I’d just pay attention to my family.


MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.

ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.


For years I thought hitchhikers were complimenting my driving.


DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.


Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.


you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.


My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles

Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*


Kanye West agreed to play Santa Claus under the condition that children had to ask him what he wanted for Christmas.


[any baby is born]

society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds