*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
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Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.