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I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on


My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.


I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.


A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.

It was a tragic accident.

Gone too soon.


Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.


I do not understand why we dudes have to use sports idioms for everything.

Honestly, it sounds off base quite often… like we’re coming from left field. We need a new playbook.


Twitter Friend: You get yourself a TC yet?

Me: Sure did, this morning in fact.

TF: Oh ya? And..??

M: Awesome. Hit the spot. Strong, extra large. I swallowed it all in one gulp.

TF: Shut up! What’s his @ ?

Me: …We aren’t talking about Timmies Coffee are we?


So apparently RSVP’ing back to a wedding invite ‘maybe next time’ isn’t the correct response


Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)


Clark Kent: *sits glasses on counter*

Lois Lane: Who are you and where did the new countertop come from?