@Diversion50

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@PhilJamesson

Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?

@LnL245

*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.

@iGreenMonk

She: We are having my mother For dinner tonight?

Me: But darling i’m a vegetarian. . how can i eat her?

@ObscureGent

Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.

@tobyherman27

Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.

— an Easter egg

@imskytrash

what the signs deserve in 2019:

Aries: peace
Taurus: rest
Gemini: happiness
Cancer: love
Leo: okay now
Virgo: that they’ve
Libra: stopped reading
Scorpio: i think
Sagittarius: animal crossing
Capricorn: for switch
Aquarius: might have
Pisces: pigeons as townspeople

@KLBChicken

Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.

*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy

@rickolantern

I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.

@KaysNH

I thought I’d lose tons more weight if I drank extra glasses of water every day, but I guess I was just diluting myself.