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Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
i prefer mine room temperature.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.