Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Optional boss fight.

My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.

Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED

We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.

I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”

Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.

one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees

me: i just saw a huge rat

starbucks employee: what

me: sorry i just saw a venti rat

employee: omg where

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.

me: i wonder what geese do at night

goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time

90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.

[running into my ex]

Ex: omg it’s you

Me: yeah

Ex: we should exchange numbers

Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea

Ex: you backed into my car though

Me: look we’ve both moved on

COP: Have you been drinking?

ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so

Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right

me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?

therapist: no i totally get it

It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand

Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.

I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.

What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?

ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.

she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October

Lo AND behold? in this economy?

[burying my father at sea]

Why isn’t this shovel working?

Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.

assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%

shrink ray company CEO: excellent

My diet was going really well until I woke up.

I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.