@HausOfAustin

Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.

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@Darlainky

What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.

@amydillon

HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.

@daddydoubts

2yo: daddy play with me!

Me: okay!!

2yo: *points* sit right here.

Me: okay.

2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!

Me: okay.

2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!

Me: okayyyyyyy.

@B_Schmidt

I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.

@TheRealDudish

Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

@aRealLiveGhost

anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra

@sir_shithead_I

*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.

@koalaslament

I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth

@Celestinelea90

Husband called & asked what I was cooking for dinner then we laughed and laughed and then he said seriously what do you need at liquor store

@Dawn_M_

My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.