What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
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HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
2yo: daddy play with me!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Husband called & asked what I was cooking for dinner then we laughed and laughed and then he said seriously what do you need at liquor store
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.