Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
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I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
guys I’m going home
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Taking phone security to the next level.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
figuring out my emotional availability:
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive