Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
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My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
🌱🌱🌱
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
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