Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
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Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Hilarious if literal: arms race
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is