Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.

Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise

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If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.


Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”


I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.


[at the gym]

Me: what does this machine do?

“Sir, that’s a bench.”

Me: perfect.


*Answers door naked*

Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲

Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.


POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?

ME: Jealous much?


“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.


therapist: how have you been coping with everything

me: with sarcasm mostly

therapist: has that been working

me: yeah it’s been super great


Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?