Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
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To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
I walk in a zig zag to avoid sniper bullets and crocodiles. And because I am drunk.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk