APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane

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Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]

Me: creative differences


To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.

You are my people.


She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.

It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.


I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.


Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.

Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.


Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.


I walk in a zig zag to avoid sniper bullets and crocodiles. And because I am drunk.


I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.


People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me

People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body

People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk