APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
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My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now