APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
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My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
everyone’s a critic
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
me, too, girl. me, too.