Apple just announced a 20-year plan to develop technology that actually allows grid-like manual organization of Home screen app icons.

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Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.


if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat


STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.

ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.


We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”


*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.


Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!


MUGGER: Empty your pockets

ME: Do I have to?


ME: [pulls out heart locket with pic of robber inside]

MUGGER: [wipes away single tear with his knife]


Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would they fight for a belt when they don’t wear pants?


If she calls me lazy again, I swear I’ll get off this couch and go take a nap in bed.