My wife and I used to describe our marriage as ‘forever’, now we both prefer the term ‘ad nauseam’.
Apple launches new phone with no headphone jack, making it ideal for enjoying the free U2 album.
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STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Me: can I have that with no ice? [raises menu to hide mouth & whispers to date] people don’t realize u get more that way haha
Waiter: sir we dont put ice in soup
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you