@haveigotnews

Apple launches new phone with no headphone jack, making it ideal for enjoying the free U2 album.

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@byrdie_num_num

My wife and I used to describe our marriage as ‘forever’, now we both prefer the term ‘ad nauseam’.

@BlindChow

STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??

ME: *slowly stands up*

@djabish3k

I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.

@panmidwest

[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?

@WilliamAder

Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.

@caliluvgirl77

Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?

Me: I LOVE STAR WARS

BF: which was your fav

Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone

@randypaint

Me: can I have that with no ice? [raises menu to hide mouth & whispers to date] people don’t realize u get more that way haha

Waiter: sir we dont put ice in soup

@House_Feminist

“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am

@girlnarly

lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you