My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
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BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Fat chances are my favorite chances
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Just as the prophecy foretold
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*