[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
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At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Something Saturday.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.