I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
You Might Also Like
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off