“How could you?”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
apple music: here’s a song for you
spotify: i’ve made 75 unique playlists based on your DNA & set to the beat you breathe in. I also wrote you a personalized love song about all the things i like about you please don’t leave me what would the kids & i do without you PLEASE STAY
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Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
BE TRUE TO YOURSELF LITTLE PUPPER
I dress up as a Girl Scout for my boyfriend, but just so we can practice our elaborate cookie heist.
I am meeting my twitter crush in a few days and I have officially added
“Please let me wind up in a trunk and not a freezer”
In my prayers
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”