Told my boss the salary I want when I move to California.
Him: so you want the moon and all the stars too?
Me: and Saturn.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
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Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Skrillex sounds like that time I threw a bag of beer bottles into an empty dumpster & a homeless dude yelled jibberish at me for waking him.