Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
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As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.