@Rollinintheseat

Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.

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@coldlippdheresy

Told my boss the salary I want when I move to California.
Him: so you want the moon and all the stars too?
Me: and Saturn.

@nettie0918

Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean

Voila

Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten

Ah quiet

@ThePhilFactor

How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

@SardonicTart

I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.

@jonnysun

ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood

@BAKKOOONN

luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something

@EyeSeeYou619

Skrillex sounds like that time I threw a bag of beer bottles into an empty dumpster & a homeless dude yelled jibberish at me for waking him.