Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.

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Told my boss the salary I want when I move to California.
Him: so you want the moon and all the stars too?
Me: and Saturn.


Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean


Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten

Ah quiet


How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?


I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.


ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood


luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something


Skrillex sounds like that time I threw a bag of beer bottles into an empty dumpster & a homeless dude yelled jibberish at me for waking him.