@Rollinintheseat

Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.

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@better_off_dad

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WebMD: Dude. Just call 911.

@jellybnbonanza

My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.

@JohnsonDiaz21

A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.

@LeBearGirdle

Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-

Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!

boss: oh God

Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!

@Pork_Chop_Hair

[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy

[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy

@blahdevivre

I wish I was a better person

genie: kind of a low bar but ok

@Leslie_Annie

First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.

@Piecezilla

St Peter reviewing my browser history before I enter Heaven: I see you’ve had a hard time cooking chicken. All of that’s behind you my child