@david8hughes

Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.

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@gogglepossum

[Alien monster is levelling Toronto]

CANADAMAN: Excuse me, sir, SIR, could you stop please? SIR?

@kimtopher22

I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”

@six_2_and_even

Honey can you pick up some bananas, melons, peaches, eggplants and clams at the Innuendo Market?

@HeMightBeJason

Grabbed Pizza Roll. Thought “my god that is so hot it’s burning my fingers” and immediately popped it in my mouth.

I’m a goddamn genius.

@rhiannoneshaw

stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot

@XOperfectmessXO

When you search your kid’s backpack and find they have a project due tomorrow and wish you would have found drugs instead.

@capnwatsisname

ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car

COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think

@pleatedjeans

[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you