@david8hughes

Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.

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@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’m a recovering coke addict

ME {trying to impress her}: Is Pepsi okay?

@SladeWentworth

No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.

@GaryJanetti

Next season on Game of Thrones they’re actually going to come to your house and start killing the people watching.

@MouthEaters

Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die

@glittergirlD43

Hey NSA… I accidentally deleted an email… Can I get you to forward me your copy?

@Fred_Delicious

[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”

@JerkVening

Remembering the evil paraglider today. Wondering how he’s faring in all this.

@Matt_The_1st

Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another

@MattMcC1

the worst part of being a chuck e cheese janitor is having to kiss each ball in the ballpit goodnight before i turn the lights out.