[Alien monster is levelling Toronto]
CANADAMAN: Excuse me, sir, SIR, could you stop please? SIR?
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
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I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Honey can you pick up some bananas, melons, peaches, eggplants and clams at the Innuendo Market?
Grabbed Pizza Roll. Thought “my god that is so hot it’s burning my fingers” and immediately popped it in my mouth.
I’m a goddamn genius.
just remembered this lol
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
When you search your kid’s backpack and find they have a project due tomorrow and wish you would have found drugs instead.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you