Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
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I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again