Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.

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[blind date]

HER: I’m a recovering coke addict

ME {trying to impress her}: Is Pepsi okay?


No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.


Next season on Game of Thrones they’re actually going to come to your house and start killing the people watching.


Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die


Hey NSA… I accidentally deleted an email… Can I get you to forward me your copy?


[sees some cut grass]
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”


Remembering the evil paraglider today. Wondering how he’s faring in all this.


Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another


the worst part of being a chuck e cheese janitor is having to kiss each ball in the ballpit goodnight before i turn the lights out.