Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
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In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Monday Lisa
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
That’s it.I’m out.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture