applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
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Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Otters drive ottermobiles.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.