[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
You Might Also Like
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Sniffing the broccoli
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.