[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…

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my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making


nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing


My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.


Me: Nothing is set in stone.

Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.


My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.


Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.


A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.


Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.


In a meeting.

Can I go first? Thanks.

Gets up and leaves.


I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches