@Reverend_Scott

[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

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@catboysenku

my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making

@torahhorse

nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing

@MaryJustice86

My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.

@Darlainky

Me: Nothing is set in stone.

Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.

@2tickytacky

My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.

@AnnietheNanny1

Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.

@WineMummy

A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.

@DBGerrard

Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.

@G96310300

In a meeting.

Can I go first? Thanks.

Gets up and leaves.

@catstronomical

I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches