an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
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Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.