Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
applebee’s waiter: what would u like to order
me: i’ll take the apple
waiter: we don’t actually sell apples
me, visibly frightened: ok then. [gulps] i’ll have the bees
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Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Doctor: Looks like you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m pregnant?
Doctor: No it just looks like you are.
“How do we spell this pasta?”
“What the hell”
“I have some questions”
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
If you love something set it free,unless it’s a lion. Don’t do that.
Me: Check out that car. It has 400 horses.
5-year-old: Where does all the poop go?