@heelyfanaccount

applebee’s waiter: what would u like to order

me: i’ll take the apple

waiter: we don’t actually sell apples

me, visibly frightened: ok then. [gulps] i’ll have the bees

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@zachreinert03

Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family

@MaybePileJokes

*at swingers club*

me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?

@InternetHippo

It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft

@lifeisforkedup

Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit

Me: ok

*nun screams*

@_Heather82

Doctor: Looks like you’re pregnant.

Me: I’m pregnant?

Doctor: No it just looks like you are.

@Home_Halfway

“How do we spell this pasta?”
L
“Ok”
A
“Got it”
S
“Neat”
A
“Diggin it”
G
“What the hell”
N
“Wait”
A
“I have some questions”

@djdarrellripley

Cop: Could I have your name?

Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.

*Send Bail Money*

@BavlyOlwy

If you love something set it free,unless it’s a lion. Don’t do that.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Check out that car. It has 400 horses.

5-year-old: Where does all the poop go?