applebee’s waiter: what would u like to order

me: i’ll take the apple

waiter: we don’t actually sell apples

me, visibly frightened: ok then. [gulps] i’ll have the bees

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1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting


sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life


*at confessional

Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’

Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’


Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.


“I’ll have what she’s having.”
” Sir, this is a gynecolo-”
“Shhhh.. *puts finger over Dr’s lips* I said I’ll have what she’s having.”


Computer: Choose a password

Me: 1scoop_of_coffee_per_2cups_of_water

Computer: Sorry, that password is too weak


JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith

ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus

JON: Bad medicine is what I need

ME: Can someone take Jon home please


85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.