[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
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I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.