Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Apples greatest success is convincing the world they need a new phone, to replace the one you aren’t making phone calls on, every year.
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Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m in my 30’s and my bank account makes me look 21.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
My life long dream is to open a dominatrix theme Thai restaurant called
Thai Me Up.
WHY IS IT CALLED “CAPS LOCK”
AND NOT “CAPITAL PUNISHMENT”
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently