“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
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my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Green is just blue that someone peed in
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down