Apples greatest success is convincing the world they need a new phone, to replace the one you aren’t making phone calls on, every year.

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Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?


Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?

Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…


“Yes, I need to check in.”

“Sir, this is a burn unit.”

“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”


You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.


I don’t mean to brag, but I’m in my 30’s and my bank account makes me look 21.


A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.


Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys


My life long dream is to open a dominatrix theme Thai restaurant called

Thai Me Up.




Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?

“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently