@gitson_shiggles

Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.

Typos are dangerous, you guys.

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@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?

ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*

@AlexKaseberg

In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.

@hippieswordfish

FRED: *removing villains mask*
SCOOBY DOO: rarent we rall rust rearing retaphorical rasks to risguise rour true rideous relves
FRED: what

@Mikecanrant

In my most recent study, Ive found that saying “I’ll have a chicken pot pie, extra pot” to KFC employees gets a laugh 4 out of 10 times.

@DionneMcNutt

A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”

@iamburtjarvis

[radioshack meeting]

employee: sir, overall sales are really low.

CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?

@SheBanggs

It’s cute how they show subtitles during Here Comes Honey Boo Boo & pretend that anyone watching might actually know how to read.

@lovemydogduck

Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.