*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
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When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
I get distracted pretty eas
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
back to work