*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*

What’s your theory?

That money can buy happiness.

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me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?

kid: not like this


The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.


You know how one lie leads to another? Well, to cut a long story short, my 7yo daughter now thinks she’s allergic to owls.


were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal


Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”


Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold


When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.


Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.


Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?

TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks


TRUMP: To make America grate again


Honestly thought someone was just super excited about the drinks machine