@brianbowman73

*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*

What’s your theory?

That money can buy happiness.

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@mrtiredeyes

me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?

kid: not like this

@SanuTweetsU

The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.

@thecrabbyhook

You know how one lie leads to another? Well, to cut a long story short, my 7yo daughter now thinks she’s allergic to owls.

@aaronneedshelp

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

@stephenjmolloy

Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”

@ItsAndyRyan

Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

@Desert_Musings

When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.

@darksidedeb

Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.

@daemonic3

Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?

TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks

Why?

TRUMP: To make America grate again

@lewisheywood

Honestly thought someone was just super excited about the drinks machine