*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*

What’s your theory?

That money can buy happiness.

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“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”

That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.


[high school reunion]

“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”

No that was Tyler.


We kissed. We undressed. I felt her heart beat. I used her bathroom. I saw Colgate toothpaste. I left. We never spoke again.


[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”


Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.


My six replaced the toilet paper roll all on her own and now I’m wondering who her real dad is.


God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human

Jesus: Can I drink?

God: Yes

Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?

God: No

Jesus: Can I have a man cave?

God: Eventually *winks at angel*


70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.


Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”