me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
You Might Also Like
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
You know how one lie leads to another? Well, to cut a long story short, my 7yo daughter now thinks she’s allergic to owls.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Honestly thought someone was just super excited about the drinks machine