@brianbowman73

*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*

What’s your theory?

That money can buy happiness.

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@PinkCamoTO

“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”

That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.

@SteveSuckington

[high school reunion]

“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”

No that was Tyler.

@ComedicBust

We kissed. We undressed. I felt her heart beat. I used her bathroom. I saw Colgate toothpaste. I left. We never spoke again.

@david8hughes

[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”

@BobTheSuit

Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.

@just1fool

My six replaced the toilet paper roll all on her own and now I’m wondering who her real dad is.

@Browtweaten

God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human

Jesus: Can I drink?

God: Yes

Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?

God: No

Jesus: Can I have a man cave?

God: Eventually *winks at angel*

@DamienFahey

70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.

@RodLacroix

Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”