*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
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By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
They did not miss in the small print
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.