*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
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Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor