Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
You Might Also Like
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.