The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
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Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
selfie game
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
time machine? you mean a clock?
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Dyslexics are teople poo!
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline