[approaches cute girl in library]
Yo babe are you Jamaican bc you’re Jamaican a lot of noise please keep it down people are trying to read

You Might Also Like


[first date]

HER: I’m really into guys with ambitions

ME: *trying to impress her* that’s perfect, I have two frogs


Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“


Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.


[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*


OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha


Do you think maybe humans are gonna evolve with longer arms for selfie purposes?


ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u


captain: hand in your gun

me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger


And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa