bae: come over
me: I can’t I’m in 16th century Japan
bae: im home alone
[approaches cute girl in library]
Yo babe are you Jamaican bc you’re Jamaican a lot of noise please keep it down people are trying to read
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My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
*At a party*
STRANGER: Are you that guy who brags about weird shit?
ME: No I’m the guy who takes the longest baths in the city.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
*draws a tarot card* Ah, the guy with too many swords. This card means you need to have less swords
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
*sees Earth trending*
*whispering to self* please don’t be dead, please don’t be dead, please don’t be dead