HER: I’m really into guys with ambitions
ME: *trying to impress her* that’s perfect, I have two frogs
[approaches cute girl in library]
Yo babe are you Jamaican bc you’re Jamaican a lot of noise please keep it down people are trying to read
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Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
OBAMA: I’m resigning
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Do you think maybe humans are gonna evolve with longer arms for selfie purposes?
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa