@pleatedjeans

[approaches cute girl in library]
Yo babe are you Jamaican bc you’re Jamaican a lot of noise please keep it down people are trying to read

You Might Also Like

@MedievalReacts

bae: come over

me: I can’t I’m in 16th century Japan

bae: im home alone

Me:

@FeelingEuphoric

My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful

@KateWhineHall

I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.

@thenatewolf

*At a party*

STRANGER: Are you that guy who brags about weird shit?

ME: No I’m the guy who takes the longest baths in the city.

@batkaren

Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.

Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.

@nevernicethings

If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.

@iscoff

*draws a tarot card* Ah, the guy with too many swords. This card means you need to have less swords

@WilliamRodgers

Me: Happy Easter!

Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!

Me: The Jesus thing?

Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!

@DaddyJew

*sees Earth trending*

*whispering to self* please don’t be dead, please don’t be dead, please don’t be dead