@pleatedjeans

[approaches cute girl in library]
Yo babe are you Jamaican bc you’re Jamaican a lot of noise please keep it down people are trying to read

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@TheHyyyype

[first date]

HER: I’m really into guys with ambitions

ME: *trying to impress her* that’s perfect, I have two frogs

@melissamcewen

Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“

@copymama

Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.

@fro_vo

[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*

@goldengateblond

OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha

@kristynhearts

Do you think maybe humans are gonna evolve with longer arms for selfie purposes?

@jonnysun

ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u

@Browtweaten

captain: hand in your gun

me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger

@briangaar

And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa