9 out of 10 people agree that it’s weird to stand on top of the toilet and ask them survey questions over the stall wall.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
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creep in my dm: can i have a pic of your feet
me: what no
creep: i’ll venmo you $100
me: what color should i paint my toes
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
There are four main food groups:
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
[i walk in with broken ribs and face bleeding]
yeah but you should see the other guy!
[cut to: horse just chilling in a field enjoying life]