@JasonLastname

*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*

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@saxbot

9 out of 10 people agree that it’s weird to stand on top of the toilet and ask them survey questions over the stall wall.

@rudy_mustang

creep in my dm: can i have a pic of your feet

me: what no

creep: i’ll venmo you $100

me: what color should i paint my toes

@Dustinkcouch

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

@vikkaroni

There are four main food groups:

1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried

@Steven37366100

Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized

Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?

*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*

Me: No

@PhuckinCody

[first date]

HER: i’m really into astronomy

ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say

@TheIntComShow

My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms

@ShrinkMedia

My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.

@jazmasta

[i walk in with broken ribs and face bleeding]
yeah but you should see the other guy!
[cut to: horse just chilling in a field enjoying life]