*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
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[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.