@pleatedjeans

[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE

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@KeetPotato

[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy

@noog

My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.

@HatfieldAnne

*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*

“What’s this idiot doing?”

@chelseyhotel

Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card

@crushingbort

shall I compare thee to a summer’s day/
its very rude to not respond/
why not/
good luck finding anyone on here with that attitude/

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

[at BBQ]

Wow…trying to wrap my mouth around this bratwurst reminds me of my first high school boyfriend.

He hated bratwurst.

@OhhScarlet23

My husband and I have been in an open marriage for five years. I hope he’s ok with it when he finds out.

@StewieTea2

My gastroenterologist used to be a plumber.

Having to see him is gut-wrenching

@Nicoleroxxu

One more glass of wine and my “only a lesbian from the waist up” rule is about to go out the window.