the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
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Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.