*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
What the ??
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
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No thanks Kentucky Derby. If I wanted to see a defenseless animal get beat into submission I’d just call my boss.
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
It takes 43 muscles to frown, which is why my face looks so ripped.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
A few people on here are having fun communicating with their neighbours using messages placed in windows, so I’m joining in.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.