*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
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a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.