*approaches your table*
Magic trick?
*I hold out some cards with fake hands while my real hand pokes out of my shirt and steals your burger*

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Feed me once shame on you, Feed me twice i’m moving in.


I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.


Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?


*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*act surprised when they mention it*



I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”


Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.


This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.

Well, he said they were pretty…

Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”


This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.