6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
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started wrapping my pills in cheese
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?