@sarcasm_inc

*approaches your table*
Magic trick?
*I hold out some cards with fake hands while my real hand pokes out of my shirt and steals your burger*

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@AJslackie

Feed me once shame on you, Feed me twice i’m moving in.

@CountMackula

I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.

@kimlockhartga

Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?

@girlontapas

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat

@AaronFullerton

I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”

@AntozWolf

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.

@lovejulieacafe

This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.

Well, he said they were pretty…

Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”

@shanethevein

This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.