[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
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“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Yes, but it was never about money
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
*weighs self after shaving
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Finally, a door that understands me
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly