@T_Bonezzz_

Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher

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@pseudo_fred

This drag race is not at all what I expected. Are they in dresses INSIDE of the cars, at least?

@uglycostanza

bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”

@House_Feminist

My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me

@JPLFR80

People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.

@Mr_Kapowski

Dear Dreamworks,

How to Train Your Dragon was not the instructional movie I was hoping for since acquiring a Komodo dragon

@alexqarbuckle

Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play

@gentilecoont

Do you guys remember 10 years ago, when all the people with gluten allergies were dying in the streets like diseased cattle?

@Dpressedspartan

My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked

@ruinedpicnic

me: wow a pegasus
flying horse: actually Pegasus was just one horse we all have different names
me: oh whats yours
flying horse: Pegasus 2